Determination with Depression

I have a laundry list of baggage from a lifetime of drama and trauma that has stuck with me like old gum in dirty tangled hair. I cut the wad out of the twisted mess. I chew more gum and forget it’s there until I wash it. My memory declines. My intention fights with mistakes. I repeat the cycle of distress then cuss.

In the past decade, my struggles navigating through an obscene amount of turmoil has occasionally rendered me hopeless:

Too many family deaths that were too sudden, too cruel….the deterioration witnessed up close and personal in hospital beds as well as unseen, hidden, mysterious how it happened that I still feel deep gashes of anguish in my heart….the sights and sounds of their diseases and disorders on display for some while the others were tucked away….. the news of their passing through texts or a Facebook post….attending some funerals while others never got one…..waiting for answers and resolutions….

Old and new health problems that I ignore despite the reminders in the mirror and photos

Constant job changes that were both thanks to mishandling of priorities and of my own choices

The haunting memories of COVID

Most currently, the uncertain political climate of our country

There are days where I stumble, evenings where I crumble, and I have nightmares of past experiences when I sleep (that is, IF I sleep….by the way, berry-flavored melatonin is wonderful invention). What helps is being honest with myself. Also what helps is being gentle with myself which is not something I comfortably do.

I’m still struggling with a lot of crap, but I keep on going. Why? I have no other choice. For anyone LIVING with anxiety / depression, you matter. Proudly take up space, be kind to yourself and make noise.